Lies I tell myself

Published on 6 June 2023 at 01:01


       The lies I tell myself are better than anything I could tell others. I have been pretending everything is fine. Because it is fine. But it isn't. It is a difficult feeling to express. I wake up and for a moment I forget. I forget that I am alone. I forget that the family that is around me doesn't know me. I tried, but it always feels like I'm on a boat full of people, paddling alone. I still love them but I am tired. My friends are good ones and slowly but surely are begging to ask instead of making assumptions. 



        I still feel alone a lot more than I let on and I try to distract myself but at the end I simply miss my family and my best friend. People that were truly there for me when shit went down. And I'm not talking about bailing me economically but to be there to talk to me or to be present when needed. I miss love. I have so much love inside me that it wants to explode out of me. I can't breathe, I can't think. But I can't just give it all away. It takes a certain type of connection for me to be able to give my love. 



         I lie to myself and pretend everything is the same when it isn't. I pretend I am not sad because is what I am used to do. I lie to myself and say that we will find out mate. I lie to myself and convince myself that everything will be alright even when I know it won't. I don't feel lonely but I have to lie to myself and pretend that I am seen.