Needing you

I think about you all the time. You're the one constant of my life. You're the first thing I think of when I wake up. You're always on my way. Sometimes my friends are talking to me and all I am doing is thinking about you. I go on a date and I talk and I wish I was enjoying your company instead. I can't seem to be able to get you off my mind. When I read, the lines just blur together thinking of you. I go to galleries and no matter how beautiful the art is, I'm just imagining what I would be doing with you. I sit on the train and close my eyes and my mind gets flooded with fantasies about you. Not being in your company is driving me insane. I watch a movie and I wish it was you and me on the screen. I need you please come back I just need my sleep.

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     I hear a mother cry for her stolen baby. Ripped from her own arms by a stranger. I feel nothing. I hear the final breath of a man and I feel nothing. Some days I wonder if my heart has gone cold. They told me I lost all of my possessions and I felt nothing. They told me I was being sued by my father and I felt nothing. I see myself in the mirror and I don't know what I'm looking for. You kissed me and I felt nothing. You told me you loved me and I felt nothing. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe there was something wrong with you. All the barriers I have placed against reacting have made me numb. When I care I give so much that maybe it is best if I just feel nothing.

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Looking for you

I have been walking this path for so long that I'm beginning to think it has no end. It's starting to feel like I am going in circles. You have to be somewhere. I look for you, I don't look for you. Is all the same. Maybe it is my own fault that I can't seem to get off this path. My heart screams like a compass to follow this damn path. 

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       There is a constant struggle in my soul. Go left! Go right! Keep going! Stop! Too much! Too little! Always a struggle. I crave balance. Always looking for that balance between showing what I feel without showing too much. How do I decide? What should I do? Where should I go? Do I care? Do I care too much? Should I try again? Am I trying too hard? Am I doing enough? I don't want to be with you. All I need is you. Should I stay? Should I go? I need my space. Please don't leave me. Should I look? I don't think I should look. Should I let my guard down? I can't. I would die for you. I live for myself. I want to touch you. Don't touch me. I'm happy when I'm alone. I'm happy when I am not. Should I explain it better? I should stay quiet. Should I go out? Should I stay home? Do I need this? I don't.  Do I want it? I don't. Should I look for you? I probably shouldn't. Do I need more? Maybe I have too much. Always a struggle. I am at peace. I am on fire. Should I rest? Should I run? Should I look for you? Should I give you space? Should I tell you how I feel? Maybe not. Am I be being cold? Maybe a smile is enough. Should I flirt? Probably not. You are my storm. You are my peace. Always a struggle, always a contradiction. 

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