Sex and Alcohol

Published on 13 August 2023 at 21:10

 

 

I have had a conversation about sex and alcohol three times this week. I think I should write about this a bit. Sex was something that was always talked about around me. I never had one conversation about sex. My family was all about open conversations and my mom would tell me to listen so I could learn. My dad encouraged me to make friends with boys so I can learn how their mind thinks. I took both of my parents advice to heart. I heard every story and until recent years 90% of my friends were men. 

When I was a toddler my dad would mix beer with my milk at least once per week, he would tell me it was to create resistance so no one could take advantage of me and made me promise to not tell my mom. He also got me a pipe and would let me smoke a bit of tobacco. I will never forget that. Every year I drank liquor on Christmas and New Year's Eve. 

I started having continuous sex when I was sixteen. By then I was drinking almost every day. I would go out with friends at night then to school during the day. Insomnia was the bad influence. I was never pressured into doing anything I didn't want to do and I definitely did not want to be home. I lost myself between sex and alcohol. It made me feel good and more than anything it made me feel connected. For that moment I could just disappear and show the one honest face I could show at the time. 

By the age of 25 I had slept with more guys than my age. I lived in a small place so most of these men I already knew directly or indirectly. The problem with that was that it was all superficial, at least on my part. I have always used sex to hide away from pains I carry in my heart. I drank so much alcohol (never got drunk thanks dad!) that my stomach decided to give up. I got so sick that I lost 40 pounds in almost three weeks. 

Alcohol became to me like a lover that I miss. I can only drink when I feel like my stomach will tolerate it and now I can only drink certain things. Going back to the sex, the problem with being like me is that after I have sex with a guy that's all they see. They get comfortable very fast with me because of my personality and the romance disappears. The conversations turn more into therapy sessions for them and at this point it's surprising if it doesn't go that way. 

I truly enjoy helping if I'm able to and I love when people feel comfortable telling me important things but most of the time it has been one way. I have dated the exceptions but during those times my logical mind overwrote my heart and I let my responsibilities take over my life. It makes me sad that I have broken up with every men I have dated not because they didn't love me but because at the time I could not love them back the same way; well except my last relationship, he was just a fucker that should carry a sign. 

I have always told people that finding someone to have sex with is the easiest thing but finding someone that I feel a mental connection with is a completely different thing for me. I'm in the phase of I have been there and done that, I want to experience something new or old that I haven't in years. But moving to NY did not make it easy. Sex is everywhere you go. It takes a lot of restraint and even more distractions from going down that rabbit hole. And how easy it was for me to find the entrance.

I took a look and dipped my feet and I'm just glad I did not grow up here or my number would have been much higher. I added a nice percentage to my tally (old joke) regardless. But I realized that with everything I have been through I want more. If it's someone that I will just be intimate with, I want him to be my friend, someone I can talk to about real things. If I was able to do that as a teen I can definitely do it now. I want to be able to be clear if what I want if it's more than that. I think that more than anything I am going with the flow of life on whatever happens next. The best thing is that for the first time both my body and mind agree on this so as they would say here I'm just being chill not expecting much but hoping for more. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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