Dating With PTSD

Published on 2 July 2023 at 00:20


I had a boy kiss me when I was in first grade. He used to give me stickers in papers with hearts. My mom kept one for years. 


I had my first boyfriend when I was 12. I noticed the way he looked at me and I asked him if he wanted to go to the fair or something with me. Anyhow most men I dated I was the one who noticed them noticing me and just asked them out. 


I have had PTSD most of my life. Some years ago it took a bad turn for a while. After that the way I approach things has changed completely. Now I get anxious before I see a man I'm interested in. It is very difficult for me to text or call him. I feel at a loss for words. I know it's surprising given how much I can talk. I feel like I might say the wrong thing or be misinterpreted which I usually am and I get stuck. 


At least in person they can see your body language and you can see theirs. I overthink and come in blank. This did not used to be a problem. At least it is mostly in the beginning. Since I was a kid sometimes I need reassurance. Is not that I'm insecure or anything that you would think. 


It is simply because people have disappointed me too many times or have simply left me without a reason or word (not in a lovers way). How do you ask them without sounding desperate, insecure or simply nuts. I admit that I had commitment issues. Honestly how could I not since I know most people leave. I have worked on that.


I ask what the expectations are going to be. I like to be clear on things because my heart has been through a lot. If I know what to expect I can separate myself easier if it is needed. I have days that I'm just sad. Those days in a relationship I don't need him to try and cheer me up. His presence is enough. Maybe a hug and a kiss. I have days that I feel angry. Those days I just need my space or something that makes me laugh. 


I hate arguments. Is one of the few things I truly hate. 99% of my exes will say that my arguments are short. You can take me to the ends of the universe by talking but by arguing I won't even go to the corner. I have lost to death so many loved ones that some days I just need to share stories about them. I don't like to stay indoors all day. A man that dates me has to at least enjoy long walks. 


I don't sleep well. Most days I go to sleep around one or two am. I never expected anyone to stay up with me. Unless he wanted to help me sleep. Sleep for me has turned into a precious thing to protect. Sometimes I laugh while sleeping. Sometimes I sleep walk with my eyes open and will answer questions. Whoever lives with me has to steer me back to bed or I'll eat the fridge contents or something else would also work (you can use your imagination). 


I don't cry like normal people do. They assume I don't care about things. I don't show emotions like most women do. Part of my PTSD symptoms is anger. To the end of controlling it I have done a lot of self reflection, I have read a lot on Buddhism, I have done a lot of meditation and yoga. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and I let go of things. Which means I take things at stride and men confuse this and make a lot of wrong assumptions. 


I am very independent emotional and physical. But that doesn't mean I don't want the support. I'm not used to a lot of physical contact. I'm not used to giving explanations. I'm used to doing everything on my own since I was a kid. But that doesn't mean I want to be like that all of my life.


Most men can't seem to handle me having PTSD. Which I keep saying is crazy because I'm the one who has to deal with it. 



Examples of things I have encountered,


We went to dinner and he kept asking me if I couldn't just forget my experiences. I got up and told him I hoped he could forget me leaving.


I was in the worst relationship and he tried to make me believe I was forgetting things, that I said things that I would never say, etc. 


I was called weak by a guy I was talking to. I told him I pity his ignorance and never spoke with him again.


I had men try to psych analyze me. They try to tell me what gave me PTSD and what I need to do to "fix" myself.


I had a guy once ask me how I could live such a sad life. I never even told him any of my experiences. I laughed so hard that day. 


Worse is when you have been spending time and talking with that person and they learn part of the things that have you the PTSD and they start seeing you less and less until they don't. 


It does gets me sad at times. I don't need to be saved or fixed. I'm not a sad or angry person. My Puertorrican side can be intense but that's cultural and nothing to do with my PTSD. A lot of times I'm not seen and people think that one aspect of me is all of me. My uncle always said I was like a box full of surprises. I hope the right man will see that and see me. 


















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