Broken Mask

Published on 25 June 2023 at 05:51

 

 

We have defining moments that shape our relationships with others. Sadly there is never just one moment but an accumulation of many. Most likely is not something that we actively think about but it has become part of our unconscious. When we interact with new people our mind does an analysis of the new entity and we decide that type of relationship we want, if any. 

 

One sunny day I went with my best friend and our other friend/roommate to pick up his car from the body shop. I don't recall how the conversation started, or what was going on in my life. But the thing that I will never forget is how for the first time someone was able to see me and make me cry. At that point in my life I sometimes questioned my own capacity to feel and express emotions like I have seen others do. But I learned very young and over and over again that most people at the end of the day will break your trust and disappoint you. 

 

Anyhow I digress, going back to my best friend Vicky. She stopped whatever I was saying and told me: " You have this brilliant mind and you know yourself and you have a logical way at seeing things but you don't see the most obvious thing, you don't trust anyone. You have put up all these walls and you don't even let people try to break them. And you just cut off your emotions and people, when things happen and move on. Maybe that is a good thing but I don't see you opening up to others while you keep hiding behind your smile."

 

    For the first time I was truly seen. I remember feeling my body go cold and my chest getting tight and my eyes started to burn. It was a sensation that part of me had forgotten. I was hiding behind a mask. Letting others see only what I wanted them to see. People always think I'm cold but I love deeply just not easy. I don't lose myself but part of my heart belongs to that person. That being a family, friends or lover. But my mask is not masking my emotions, but is masking how I can't trust them even if I love them. Or maybe it is hiding the fact that I miss them but don't know how to tell them. Maybe they broke my heart but they are my family and I have forgive them but I can't forget. 

 

I listen to what they say. I look at how they present themselves with me and then with others. I pick up their patterns without intending to. I see the things they enjoy and the things they don't. I see the way they carry themselves. Their eyes tell me a story and their smile an agenda. I noticed when they lie and I can feel their honesty. Most people are like an open book to me. That's why it is so easy to cut ties because most actions are not unexpected. 

 

That mask becomes a part of you. Sometimes I meet a person that have a mask similar to mine. The patterns they create have zigs over zags that makes it difficult to predict. I can truly appreciate the things they do and don't. I appreciate the way they carry themselves. Their eyes are matching what they are expressing even if their smile is hiding pain. These types of people are rare and when I find them it is easy for me to love them and is not necessarily in a romantic way. It may not be easy for me to show it all the time, but I feel it. Thanks to her that mask is able to come off when needed. It takes a lot of effort but at least I am able to do it. 

 

But yes it does come down to trust. How can I trust someone when I'm being transparent and most people can't be honest about simple things. How can I trust people that can't even trust themselves. Or people that don't even know what they are capable of. Or people that don't know what they want. How can I trust someone that says one thing but does a completely different thing. Or that person that says they love you but doesn't show it in the ways that matters. How can I trust someone that I can't count on. I love them but I can't trust them.

 

I have people in my life that I trust 100%. But they have earned it. Thanks to that conversation and some others with Vicky. I was able to at least trust myself to take a chance on the people that truly made the effort. Indeed trust takes time but at least now I don't use my mask as frequently as I used to.