Victoria: My Guiding Star

Published on 6 June 2023 at 20:36



Why was she my best friend? Simple...


        We had no secrets. She knew how much I loved her even if I couldn't express it at times. I could count on her and she let herself count on me. She never just took my side. She challenged my perspective. She made me laugh and laughed at my lame jokes. She is the only one that has figured out how to get me to watch anything they want with them. 


She never doubted my advice. She understood how deep my imagination runs and how much I enjoy helping others in difficult situations. She knew that I didn't lie but I could come up with the best lie if someone else needed one. She never told me things like, 'you need to change, 'your crazy'. She never invalidated my opinion but suggested I consider another point of view. She always accepted my help, well after years of not doing so. She knew when I was truly smiling and not just hiding behind a smile.


Vicky asked me things and never assumed anything. She knew that if I didn't speak to her for a few days it had nothing to do with her. She would never let too much time pass before just showing up to make sure I was fine. She never made me feel worse than I did for any mistake. She would motivate to push myself to try even more difficult things when I was learning something new. She knew when to stop. She never tried to take advantage when my mental health was at its weakest point.


She gave me a hug when I was sad, she gave me a roof when I was broken. She laughed with me when I was happy and would agree that I was fucking up. She agreed to disagree. She knew when to not leave me alone. She knew that at times when I say I want to be alone is when I should not be alone. She understood when I was joking and when I was being sarcastic.


She knew the lyrics to my favorite songs and would sing silly with me. We ended years together and started them so. We celebrated birthdays and gave support to each other on bad moments. She would tell me when I needed to trust someone, she reminded me to give people a chance. She knew when my heart was crying even when tears didn't come. She knew the things I was capable of and never underestimate me. She always saw me. I would have gotten to a war with her, confront any natural disaster, we had each other's back. 


I used to tell Vicky I have my own religion in my soul. It was the only way for my logical mind to make sense of the spiritual. I read about a lot of religions and grew up catholic. Buddhism for me makes a lot of sense. Too many souls have existed through the centuries. Even with my geeky brain and all the mythical stuff for me is too many souls for one place. So what if you are reborn over and over until you do the deeds you need to finally be complete and your soul then can move on to either heaven or hell. After telling her this she laughed and said well finally a religion I would join. I also told her that I don't think a soul has one soulmate. I think we have a lot of souls that we keep encountering throughout our lifetimes and some are closer than others. Well I wish that was all true and that in another life we will meet again. 


I started calling her picky and she never asked me why. The reason was because she was picky with the people she called friends and it was an honor being hers. I will miss her until I die and will never forget the lessons I learned from her wisdom. Her friendship both saved and changed my life. Thanks to her I can still be happy while still feeling the hole left in my heart by her absence. 


I will not edit it and leave it as I felt it at the moment.