Unconscious Memory

Published on 22 May 2023 at 00:30


I entered that space and I felt my whole body get hot. With the excitement of what was to come I filed it under that same emotion. I automatically make myself comfortable by sitting on the bed, probably deflecting the alarms going in my head.


What I would have done was look around, ask questions about the accommodations and then try to steal a kiss. Well obviously that didn't happen and all. At that point I had zero moves available since my brain was at war trying to still be in that amazing moment and trying to tell me what I didn't want to remember.


You know that the more you ignore something the more it gets to you.


There was more kissing and laughter and happiness but the feeling of dread would not leave my heart. More kissing leads to less clothing. And temperatures definitely started to rise. I still ignored how my skin started to feel like it was on fire. But I wanted to be in the moment and enjoy that moment because let's be honest first of all I have not felt this type of chemistry in an extremely long time, second I had a better chance to win the lottery that I don't play than a repeat. I wanted to enjoy that moment.


Here was this man that was exactly the type that in another life I would have fallen in love with, the type of man I would do almost anything for, and also the type of man that I could be best friends with. A man that had in his eyes sadness, wisdom and a fire for life and what it offers and my favorite type of solitude mixed with passion. Anyhow as I was saying I was hot and when I got on top of him after a few movements I felt like I was suffocating, a similar feeling as to that time I almost drowned. As always I tried to push myself and made things worse. I have also been spoiled with always being in a cold room while being naughty, this one wasn't.


Well what a complete disappointment in myself! Myself of all things. Most of my recent experiences have been a complete disappointment but not on my part! I had never left things the way it ended. And all because of a damn curtain.


My evil side just wants to go to that hotel, pay housekeeping to let me replace the curtain, take that one and burn it to hell. But obviously no one is doing that but yeah you read it right!.


Since I moved to NY two things of childhood trauma keep following me everywhere. That shitty beige color the paint the ways in old apartments buildings and those damn curtains.

When I was a kid I would stare at one exactly like that one while in fear under a bed waiting for whatever "punishment" was coming from those kids.


Crazy how something that you don't really think about or has affected you in any way of consequence can sneak up in the worse moment. I should have gone with my earlier instinct and stayed in my own comfort zone.


Live and learn always!

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