Breaking Point

Published on 6 June 2023 at 00:50

 


This is one of the most difficult things for me to share. How can I be so vulnerable and risk rejection based on something that probably will never happen again. When I tell people, I see how it makes them uncomfortable. Some just stop talking to me. I have been called weak by different people. I have been shown pity and then they want to treat me like I am going to break at any moment or like I'm useless.

 

There is a saying that my mom would often use. She would say something like: "Jey my cup is almost full I can only take a few drops before it spills" That was her way of saying, "Jey I have had it and if you bring any more crap I will snap" so every time I would simply say, "never mind" and walk away. Things don't just happen sometimes it takes a series of events to collide to break my string.

 

I don't have a cup, I have a string. Sometimes it feels unending. I take things at stride. I don't let things stress me out much. I put things in little boxes and store them in the back of my mind. I disconnect. I move on. But in the back of my mind I have that treasonous part of me that keeps tabs of absolutely everything. My photographic memory starts making archives of my experiences.

 

My first memory of my dad was him taking me into his arms after my mother (biological) left me with him. He offered me cookies. Until my teens year he was the best father. He would take me with him everywhere, he taught me skills that usually a man knows, he gave me my first beer, cigar and advice about the opposite sex. The first time I got a bad grade I told him before my mom. I was more scared of my mom tho. My dad hit me once with his belt and to this date I say I deserved it and he did me a favor. Sadly he fell in love with another woman and forgot about me. It broke my heart, in retrospect maybe I shouldn't have told him to leave our home. Naaa that was the best thing for mom.



My first mem lolory with mom was not about an event or a specific memory. With her I remember feeling her love take over me. As a child I loved to hold her hand. It was like feeling her love flow through me. Whenever she noticed I was sad she would take me to McDonald's or to my favorite pizza place around the block. She would take me with her everywhere. My mom talked about everything with me. One of the pieces of advice she gave me was to listen to other people's stories and learn from them. She also told me to not do to others what I didn't want done to me. And a big one that had an impact in my life, those who cry wolf too many times are ignored. So you know, don't lie.

 

After my dad left I helped my mom in everything I could. I also helped her deal with the economic mess my dad left behind. In my teens things got tense between me and mom. We would argue a lot and scream at each other. One day I sat down with her and told her I needed to tell her something and I needed her to actually hear everything I have to say and think about it before she said anything. I told my mom that she was the most important person in my life and that I loved her but she didn't respect me. How could she expect me to respect her back if she didn't even realize that I was an adult. I was eighteen and had been living on my own for a year. I told her that respect goes two ways. After that day my mom and I got very close.

 

I have had such amazing aunt's. But titi Petra was my closest. We were so similar. In some ways she understood me better than my mom. For example my mom didn't get why I can't cry. My aunt accurately guessed I cry when I watch tv or listening to music just like her. My aunt was bluntly honest. I can be that way too often (have made people cry). People also thought she was cold and didn't care. They truly didn't understand how much she loved everyone. I think maybe that's why we were so close. She understood that the way I am isn't about not loving but is about having barriers protecting your heart. She knew all my secrets before my mom mostly because she guessed them. She told me about my life before being adopted. On my hardest times she was always there. She told me things others wouldn't.

 

Titi Maria was the one who helped bring peace to my heart. She saw my anger when others didn't. She saw my pain when others saw a smile. She always knew when I needed a hug or some tough love. She showed me the importance of having spirituality even if I don't practice a specific religion. She showed me through example that just because bad things happen to you doesn't mean you have to be bitter about it just cautious. She also told me that if someone couldn't accept me as who I am then they don't deserve my time. She showed me how to forgive people because I can't control their actions but I can control my own reaction.

 

My friend Juan Carlos was like a sunshine in my life. I didn't speak with him often after highschool graduation but we kept in contact. He was the type of friend that made you believe everything would be alright. He saw life with a positive outlook even when things where going to hell. You could feel the love he had for his friends. I looked forward to catching up with him and hearing him laugh which always made me laugh. We were close friends since middle school.



I met my grandfather as an adult. I learned with him that I have Italian and black ancestors. I learned that the way I take things at stride I get from him. After meeting we would speak once every few months. He would ask about my life, he would tell me about his and his past stories. We never saw each other again.

 

My bio mother and I never had a mom, daughter relationship but she would gang up on me with my mom. I would talk to her once in a while after I met her again as an adult. From my perspective she looked the same as the last time I remember seeing her. People don't understand or know that I had a very good relationship with her. I respected her opinions and we both loved star trek which was unexpected. She and I were very similar. She understood how I put things inside boxes and shove them on the back of my mind and move on. She would give me advice and was the first person to directly tell me I should get therapy. I thank her for giving me to mom and not just dumping me somewhere.


Everyone I mentioned before with the exception of JC was my support system. They were the ones I would call for advice and to randomly talk. When I was feeling sad I would call one of them and they would cheer me up without me telling them about my mood. I would constantly see these people and they knew and understood me better than anyone in my life ever would.

 

Myy birth mother died and a year later on the same month my mom died. After that everyone else that I previously mentioned died in less than two years. At that point I had moved in with my best friend because I was depressed and I couldn't have a full time job because of the fucking lawsuit. I was having a hard time keeping up with the emotions I was feeling and I ate a lot of cheesecake. It got to the point that for the first time I felt lonely. I felt alone in the world. I felt left behind again. People always leave me.



After my mom died my dad broke into her house and stole a bunch of things. I had to call the police against my father without knowing it has been him. A neighbor told me what had happened. When I asked him he said that was his house. It was not. Legally he had given me his part and my mom kept hers as part of their divorce agreement and I paid most of the bills he left. I had requested the court that he return at least my mom's jewelery. The day of the hearing I was served with a lawsuit. He wanted the house. A man that had properties and over half a million dollars in the bank.

 

On the first hearing, his lawyer petitioned the court to make void my adopted that had occurred thirty years previous. The judge was appalled, me on the other hand almost laughed out loud. I was being treated like a rental that didn't work out how you wanted so you returned it since it had a lifetime warranty. That was the day that I realized my dad had died and that what was left behind was a completely different person. In a way it gave me closure to all those times I tried to see him and he always had excuses. I had lost my father years ago and had not accepted it until that day. The lawsuit lasted almost three years. He did a lot of things during that time. No one from his part of the family would talk to me. They went from being a constant in my life to non existential. Except my grandma who was just in shock with the whole situation of hell I was in.

 

One day the lawsuit was concluded and I was finally free of what took over most of my mind. I kept thinking that if he had asked I would have given it to him. I guess along the way he forgot who I was and that I don't care about material things that much. But then I had time to think of what I had lost along the way. I stopped sleeping, I didn't eat a lot, except cheesecake.This was all on a month of July.

 

I couldn't stop thinking. My mind was racing, thoughts passing faster than I could control. All of my emotions seemed to concentrate on my chest and I couldn't cry. I grabbed a piece of paper and started writing random things and I started talking very fast, faster than I ever had. My best friend suggested I try and calm my mind by listening to a waterfall sound and try and sleep. I went to bed and closed my eyes, trying to concentrate on the sound of the water. I could hear my friends in front of the house talking and at some point mentioning how worried they were about me. My heart started beating very fast and I felt like I couldn't breathe but I still managed to fall asleep somehow.

 

I woke up laying down on a beach. I had a red one piece swimsuit with cutouts. There was an umbrella above me. I had a cocktail on my hand with one of those umbrellas. I had sunglasses and I was very close to the water but it never seemed to be able to touch me. All of a sudden I look and I was looking at myself through a mirror. But this me looked terrible. Her hair looked like I had not given it any thought in years. She looked bigger than me and had very dark marks under the eyes. She looked like I had aged ten years and I had a white spot on my hair that I did not have before. I was not her but she was me. I was looking at her but she couldn't see me. I tried telling her to go back to sleep but she didn't seem to hear me.

 

I woke up feeling like part of me was gone. The important part. My balance and sense of stability. I could feel myself slipping away. Is a feeling difficult to describe. I go to the bathroom get naked and look at my eyes in the mirror. I looked so tired but my mind was racing. I had so many thoughts but I felt myself slipping away. Like my mind was turning hollow, my emotions instead of being inside my boxes they were vanishing. I ran hot water which always helps me and I get in. I lost myself after looking at myself once more in the mirror.

 

I'm laying down on my beach drinking a piña colada. I started watching her get into the shower and looking at the faucet like she was on a game show of her life that was a way to choose a path. I could feel both of me getting flooded by emotions. I could feel the constant questioning. And I screamed at myself to let go. Stop questioning your sexuality, let go of the terrible things that people did to you, let go of all the times you could have died and accept that you are not truly alone. It was just another change.

 

I could feel the water falling over me and as it did moments that I had carried for years just melted away. I dried and got dressed but I couldn't seem to be able to concentrate on anything specific. I felt so sleepy and tired, I left the bathroom and entered a different dimension. I saw the black being that I share my universe with and told her she was a great companion. I walked into the welcoming area and saw the knights that walked the nights being underappreciated. I told them how much I appreciated them and turned back when I heard my sister calling.

 

Oh well I liked that beach but I started understanding what was happening. I liked it there because I don't think I had ever felt that at peace but yep that was definitely me sleep walking but I have done that a few times before and I either I wanted food or sex but that was different. It was like when I had that nightmare and couldn't completely wake myself up. But this felt worse. I felt disconnected with myself. Like I was on another plane or something. I was going around talking gibberish to my cat and then I was kinda screaming to the people that picked up the trash how much I appreciate them and how people should do so too. Then I saw my best friend standing in the door frame calling my name.

 

I went to Vicky and tried speaking to her but I couldn't concentrate I had so many weird thoughts and I couldn't find my voice. I had to be on a door frame! I couldn't just stand in the middle of somewhere. I moved from one frame to the next until I was able to face Vicky again who looked scared and asked her for the password. Thank God Vicky had dealt with people out of it before. In my mind I knew something was terribly wrong. I had to help her help me because my mind was flooding me with memories and words and knowledge and so much information I couldn't think straight enough to make sense. So I told her names. She guessed my niece's name. I also kept grinding my teeth to the point they got uneven afterwards

 

She was definitely my best friend and knew me best. I told her I'm a very low voice, "there is something very wrong with me".
Our other roommate has had some mental issues throughout his life, he got close and looked at me and told her that I needed to go to a hospital. At that moment I couldn't stop going from one door frame to the next spending a few minutes on each. I was able to concentrate enough to get inside the car.

 

Well as much as I was loving that beach I fully understood that I had a disconnection with myself and I had to try something. I closed my eyes and thought of being in that moment and forgetting anything else but that moment. I opened my eyes and Vicky was in front of me asking me how she could help me. I told her to slap me. She looked at me like I was talking a new kind of crazy. I felt myself slipping away again and I told her that if she truly was my best friend and loved me to please slap me. She looked at me with watery eyes and slapped me.

 

The impact of her hand flooded my senses and for an instant I felt myself connect with what I can only describe as myself. But it was not enough I immediately felt myself slipping again. I told her to do it again which she did. After she had hit me like four times she started crying. I told her, " you need to hit me harder please it's helping". She hit me twice, each time harder. I started crying and told her I needed to go to the hospital. I thanked her and told her that something was wrong with my mind and that I was feeling a bit like myself but I also felt slowly slipping. Honestly in retrospection it was because Amneris slapped me after our car accident that gave me the idea.

 

Along the way I started hallucinating again because I kept falling asleep. When we arrived at the hospital I asked her to grab my hand because I was afraid to enter the hospital my mom had been in for so long. She entered with me to the ER. I remember the doctor speaking to us and she told us I was having a psychotic break from lack of sleep and grief. At that point I had not slept for like five days. I was also taking narcotics for back pain.

 

Oh man I was on that beach again and my drink was amazing! I was going crazy and telling people in the emergency room that the government was just corrupted and people just wasted time on drama instead of loving and helping. But I knew that was my last time at that beach. I felt all of myself falling asleep.

 

Oh man that fast metabolism can be a bitch. Thirty minutes later I woke up with a bad reaction to the medication. It made me paranoid. All the announcements from the hospital, the people outside the curtains, the nurses, everyone was talking about me. But I knew it was paranoia and after sleeping I felt like myself, actually better than I had in years, except a bit paranoid. I went to the nurse cart, grabbed some gauze, took off my IV applied pressure and literally ran from there. I saw my best friend and stopped and told her I would meet her by the car then I kept running until I reached it.

 

I went home and I slept on and off for three days. The doctors tell me the odds of that happening are less than 1%. But people only focus on the 1% and just hear CRAZY ALERT. After that I had lost my confidence completely, I had difficulty with my speech, I would stutter again specially in stressful situations. I can't socialize with people like I used to. I get anxious before meeting people. It doesn't matter who it is. For example if it is a man that I'm attracted to, I didn't get anxious or anything before. Now I do, I have to try and plan things ahead and distract myself in between.

 

Some days I'm not sure what to text people, or what not to text them. I get anxious when I'm angry, thankfully I don't get angry much. For a few years it was difficult to be around people. Now I need to go outside at least once a day, I need to have natural light come in. A lot of my memories got buried and I have been retrieving them with the help of friends, smells, sound and visual stimulus. I lost a lot of my "friends" along the way but in a way I'm glad because the ones that stayed are amazing.

 

When I don't sleep well for a few days I feel disconnected to objects and words, they become alien to me. If I'm meeting with people that I don't see often I get overwhelmed and forget what people look like. I have to focus and calm my mind to recall who I am looking for. Like it doesn't make sense but at the same time it does. It is a very strange sensation. I lose focus and suddenly forget what I was doing or thinking. I forget things about people which make them think I don't care or they use it against me to gaslight me. It's strange because I remember everything but I can't seem to get the memory to the surface when people put me on the spot and ask me.

 

Having photographic memory is something I trained to filter the things I don't want to recall when I look at something. But the days that I'm overwhelmed or stressed that imagine gets too bright and is like looking at a blurry image. I have always remembered words by association and remembering an image of the word. Now it can be a struggle some days. I can't learn by reading or listening to an explanation. All I hear is bla bla this and bla blah that. My mom was able to catch up on this and would visually show me things. The things I can't visualize I simply don't understand. I loved math because you could visualize the series of numbers forming an equation. But after my mental vacation I have to look at things sometimes to remember things I used to do with ease. After weeks of not sleeping well things seem to slow down. For example music rhythm, an alarm, even the way people move.

 

Having that happened to me also helped me let go of everything that had happened to me before that. I felt like the weight I was carrying all my life had floated away. I was struggling from social anxiety, some physical stuff but my mind was for the first time at peace. I missed my family and I felt left behind. With time, a lot of work and balanced sleep, I'm at a good place physically and mentally.

 

People that can't relate will never understand my struggles. I still love them but they have never worn my type of shoes.

 

 

 

 

 

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