Her or Him?

Published on 22 May 2023 at 23:46


       When I was around the age of 14 my mom took me to talk with a doctor. Leaving I heard my new physiatrist tell my mom: "you have to be strong. Because of her past trauma, it is very possible she will be a lesbian or bisexual". Teen me was like huh ok well I need to learn about this. When my dad took his classes in psychology I read all his books. I was trying to understand myself and probably my future self. Through my life I kept asking myself, when am I supposed to like girls? I love boys. I am extremely picky but I do love them. But I kept asking myself, what if I like a girl more? I was sexually promiscuous and had a lot of fun. I can look at a woman and appreciate her beauty and sexiness but I don't feel that drive that a man makes me feel. But what if I woke up one day and suddenly liked women? Yeah I know it doesn't work that way. But the ignorant part of my brain wanted to obsess over the fact that maybe I also liked girls.


      I have always so private with who I dated. But every one always saw me with a woman for a period of time. Instead of asking me, people would ask my mother. She once asked me if I would tell her if I liked women. Of course I would have told her I already didn't give a fuck of what most people thought of me. And if you can't handle the real me then why are we in the same orbit. I spent most of my life doubting my own sexuality because of those words. Never an attraction but always the thought. I was never worried, it was about knowing myself. It took a small mental vacation to realize I was obsessed about something with the eye of a curios child. I already knew who I was. I was finally able to stop questioning every looks and touch that I give and just enjoy being me. To this date a lot of my family still think I am a lesbian or bisexual. I'm perfectly fine with it.







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